The Past and the Present…
Jan 17th, 2013 by Autumn Sunshine
looking back is so hard not to do…
Yes the past is over, but it can back to haunt us when we least expect it. I have parts of my past I regret and many things I would change, if I could back and do so. Well, we don’t get that luxury. Hmmm, sharing my thoughts again, and I think writing is healing in many ways.
I used to have nightmares about some of things from my past. I had a very bad marriage as I have mentioned. I don’t “hate” him, I just don’t like him very much. He had/has a way of making me feel like I am lacking in so many ways. I can’t allow that to happen, he is out of my life and living very far away. So on the rare occasions that I do have to talk to him on the phone, I end up “beating myself up”. I go back over the things I said and wish I would have said them differently. It’s hard to explain, but it makes me feel so inadequate. He brings out the very angry part of me 🙁
I wonder why life is so hard to understand? Why we do the things we do and later just think “OMG, I didn’t want to say that”. My Mom told me that I think too deeply, maybe I do. I just know that the person I once was is so not the person I am today. Why can’t I just turn off my brain?
What I really want to say about the past is THE END …
I should dedicate this section to the man who made me finally see the light. My Darling Man, and he is and he did make me see that all men will not hurt me.
All he has done since I first talked to him even, has been kind and caring. He was brought up by his Mom, she was a very, very wonderful Mother. She taught him how life should be and she taught him love. I wish I would have had the chance to have met her.
So we have two different men~OMG, this blog should be called the “men in my past and present” 😉 The ex has a dysfunctional family and that made a difference. He didn’t understand love, he probably never will.
I have been blessed and so very lucky to have the man in my life I have today. He is patient, he is kind, he is healing, he is honest, he is caring. He is also a great musician, my Guitar Man 🙂 and I will love him until the day I die. He is a very private person, very “humble” almost. He would never think of bragging or tossing around what his career has been like. That to me is unique, as he has done so very much good in this world and continues to do so.
The last thing I would say to anyone is: “look long and hard at the upbringing your “love” has had. It does make a difference.